Not Quite Centerstage

The lights go on, the curtain opens, and there I am... at the side of the stage pulling on the rope that opens the curtains. That is how I feel sometimes. Like I do all the work to make myself this great person that everyone will want to know and love and I get nothing. I'm always in the shadow. People know I'm there, of course (after all, how else would the curtains open?) but they don't really know who I am. I'm just the stage hand, the helper, the one who makes everyone else look good. But that is not the role I want to have. For once, I want to be noticed. I want to star in the movie of my life not just help with the production. 

But maybe to be recognized I need to stop thinking about who I am and start realizing who the people around me are. If I am just the stage hand, after all, I might as well do my job to the best of my ability. And maybe one day someone will appreciate that. Someone will finally notice me and to at least one person, I can be the star. But in order to get to that point, I must graciously perform the task I've been given. I must be content with the shadows for a bit longer.

Alone

I have absolutely nothing to write. I'd like to say it's because I'm completely content and have nothing to get off my chest. But that really isn't the case. Far from that. I'm sick of the food here, have way too much to do this week and I miss home. I really wish I could drive somewhere by myself and just get away from everything and everyone here. Not that I don't like the place or the people, because I really do. I just need some time away by myself. I've always valued alone time and I haven't had any in a while. Being in my dorm room by myself doesn't count. I think that is one of the things about home I miss the most: knowing where I could go and being able to get there when I wanted to get away from everything else. Well, as I said, I have nothing to write about so I guess this is it for now.

Gas Stations and Satellites

While driving back from Savannah this weekend we discovered we'd gone an hour too far on the wrong road. We had a choice: we could turn around and get back to where we'd gone wrong or we could go on a different route that might be quicker. We chose the second option. After driving for another four hours, most people probably would have said we made the wrong decision. But I'm not so sure. There are so many experiences and memories we could not have had if we'd just turned around. We chose to try something new. We may have failed, but the failure didn't really hurt us. 

Right now in my life, I feel like I'm on the way back from Savannah. I chose to step into the unknown. And right now it is looking a little bit like I'm in the middle of nowhere on some abandoned road and have no idea where I'm going. But I know I have to keep trying to find my way if I ever hope to get to where I want to be. So I'll just keep driving and stopping to ask for some direction along the way. 

The best part of this adventure was the GPS that we had all along. I know that on the adventure of my life, God has a satellite view of what is going on. He's not just some "honky-tonk redneck in a gas station." He is an all-knowing God who is trying to lead me home. Just like yesterday, there will be times on this crazy adventure of my life when I'll go outside of God's will just like on the way home we sometimes got off of the purple line, but I can just make a U-turn and get right back on it. And I know that one day God will lead me home and the path I took to get there will be so much more rewarding than if I'd just chosen to stick with what I knew.

Temporarily Homesick

I'm starting to miss home. It's not too noticeable most of the time. When I'm busy or doing something which requires much of my attention, I hardly notice it at all. But that doesn't mean the ache isn't there. There is just this constant tugging on my heart to be at home. To sleep in my own bed, tell my Dad I love him in person, drive somewhere familiar by myself and laugh with the friends I've grown up with. So many people around here are excited about getting to go home this weekend. I'm excited for what this weekend holds for me too, but I wonder if watching other people at home will make my own pain worse. I can't seem to find any way around being at least a little homesick.

But I think that is okay. People have always held a special attachment for the place they called home. In a way I think that desire for a home can bring us closer to God. He is a home for the homeless and a permanent location for the wanderer. I can always run home to Him. And better yet, I know He is preparing my eternal home. Because I can't really call any place on this earth my home. God has a different residence planned for me. The Bible says to keep our eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen because what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal. Maybe all I need to do is keep looking forward to that eternal home and I won't miss my temporal home back in Thousand Oaks, California. There'll still be times when I want to go home, I'm sure, but at least this way I can put my longing into perspective.

Composure

Waiting there - calm, unconcerned,

Nervousness and excitement - buried,

Lying just beneath the surface,

Never shown on that face,

Held inside, ready to break,

All the feelings that can't be released.

Desperate to find a way out,

Longing for the freedom to live;

But instead caged inside the skin,

Hidden beneath the mask of composure.