A Call to Love

"But all I can say is I knew you before, you were beautiful back then... before you grew up, before you gave in."

Helping out at Riverpoint's youth group the past couple of semesters, I have seen some beautiful girls. It's so exciting to see students from middle school up through high school worshipping God together. And it is even more exciting to realize that by God's grace, I am able to help them in their journey, to tell them just how beautiful they are. It is so strange to think that I was in that spot only a couple of years ago - so much has happened in two years! But how did I get to this place? Well, lets back up about a year or so.

I'd never felt a particular call to youth ministry. Actually, I'd never felt a particular call to any particular career. I just knew God wanted me studying mass communication at Toccoa Falls College. So here I was. But then I met this guy, Ben, and well... I kinda liked this guy... really liked this guy. Anyway, Ben knew he was called into youth ministry so I thought before things got to serious I better test this youth-work thing out so last January found me dating Ben and helping out with the youth at Riverpoint. And I loved it! It was a little weird at first but then I realized what a wonderful opportunity I had and I began to really enjoy being with these students.

So fast forward a bit. September found me back at school, still dating Ben, and back at Riverpoint for youth. This year, I have also been able to help with small groups and it has been wonderful to build relationships with some of these girls. We aren't far apart in age so we can relate is friends but I still get to share my life experiences in the hope that God might be able to use me to help them. With this opportunity I have gotten to see how amazingly beautiful these girls are. The best part is they know that. They know God and his love for them and the church's love for them. They are built up by God's word, us, and each other. It is amazing to see.

But what about the girls who don't have that? Who don't know they are beautiful? Who "dream of sharing their heart" but "instead share [their] bed"? Who is there for them? Who is telling them they are beautiful and loved? I want to. I wish I could tell every girl that but I know I can't. I still want to do all I can to get that message spread. If I knew I could get even one princess to believe she was beautiful, any effort would be worth it.

So back to this Ben guy for a moment. He is now my fiancé and is still committed to ministering to youth. As his future wife, this is now my ministry too, maybe not full-time, but I must be just as committed. It's not going to be easy. We won't be making much money but it will be enough. There will be hard times, but we will get through them. I know that because I see now how God has used Ben to show me my potential. I can love... beautifully. Because that is how God loves me. And I can use that love to show a girl that she is beautiful. I've never wanted anything more than that. God has called me and I'm going to follow even though I have no idea what that looks like or how I'm going to be working with mass communication. I'm just going to trust him with that and try to wait patiently. Until then I can tell every girl who "grew up" and "gave in" that she "could be beautiful again."

- Listen to "I Knew You Before" - Dustin Kensrue (or listen to all of his stuff cause it's basically amazing)

Beautiful Forgiveness

I was reading in Psalms tonight (Psalm 103 to be exact) and it just struck me how incredible David's life is. He starts out right, then there is the whole Bathsheba thing. He messed up... bad. On top of that, the prophet Nathan comes and tells David this story about a rich man and poor man and their sheep and how the rich man took the only sheep the other guy had to feed his guests even though he had plenty of his own to choose from. After this, David says the rich guy deserves to die... well, that person happens to be him. So not only has David screwed up terribly (and he already knows this) but now he sees himself as someone who deserves to die. He must have felt like complete crap. I think, so often, we look at the life of David and forget about his feelings. I also think this is one of the biggest mistakes we can make. What his emotions are going through is one of the most important parts of the story. God's forgiveness is huge, of course. But what impact would forgiveness have if David had not been so terribly sorry for what he'd done? So here we see David at the lowest he can possibly be, not feeling worthy to be alive... the worst feeling a human can feel. But the amazing part is what happens next. God forgives David. But there is more. David understands and accepts God's forgiveness. Read that a few times and let it sink in. I think this is one great example of how David can be called "a man after God's own heart." He understands forgiveness and, because of God's amazing capacity to forgive, he can forgive himself. This is so huge! He gets forgiveness so well that after this terrible fall he can still praise God and speak of his sins being removed "as far as the East is from the West." That is the power of God's forgiveness if we will just accept it.

Bless the LORD, O my soul,

and all that is within me,

bless his holy name!

Bless the Lord, O my soul,

and forget not all his benefits,

who forgives all your iniquity,

who heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit,

who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,

who satisfies you with good

so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

The LORD works righteousness

and justice for all who are oppressed.

He made known his ways to Moses,

his acts to the people of Israel.

The LORD is merciful and gracious,

slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.

He will not always chide,

nor will he keep his anger forever.

He does not deal with us according to our sins,

nor repay us according to our iniquities.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;

as far as the east is from the west,

so far does he remove our transgressions from us.

As a father shows compassion to his children,

so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him.

For he knows our frame,

he remembers that we are dust.

Painful Love

I never knew until this summer how much pain I could feel for hurting someone I loved. It was a rough summer and Ben and I were apart for way longer than we should have been. Communicating solely through the phone, letters, and internet can be pretty tough. You miss out on all the nonverbal cues you have in normal conversation which can change the meaning of a sentence completely. So many times this summer I said things I wished I could have taken back. I was just being stupid and careless and not thinking about the things I said and how they might sound from his end. So my words hurt and the fact that I had hurt a person I loved so much caused me more pain than anything he could have said or done. It’s a kind of pain I can’t even now describe. Everything in me wanted to take it back, but there was nothing I could do. I could only sit there and try to heal the damage I’d caused. I couldn’t even wrap my arms around him. It was awful. If that is really how bad hurting someone you love feels, I think I need to do a better job of showing love through what I say and do. I also need to learn to love everyone better so that if I hurt anyone, it will cause me that kind of pain. I don’t think I can ever love anyone else enough for the pain to be that extreme but I should be able to at least feel a small measure of it. And that would be enough to radically change the way I love people.

A Year in the Life of Whitney

So it has been over a year now since I first started posting my thoughts online. Today I went back and reviewed all I had written. It is crazy to think of all that has happened in a year. I never would have guessed then where I would be now. A lot has happened since last July - some good and some bad but all of it has been important. Reviewing what I've written has helped me to see even more how each detail and moment of my life falls into place and impacts everything else. One of my favorite things was looking back on posts from late August and early September of last year. These months impacted so greatly how the rest of the year would go. I was skeptical and nervous of starting college in Toccoa. Each post I can see how I gradually began to open up to the new experiences and opportunities I found and I am so glad I was able to. At any moment then, I could have stopped that growth and decided it was too hard, that I wanted to go home. Second smester could have found me back here in California had I made that choice. But I didn't. Instead, I chose to wait it out and see what happened, to move forward into this unknown place without being afraid. There were times when it was hard and I didn't want to be there, but those are also the times when I learned and grew the most, the times I needed to be there for. And now, I am so glad I got through those. I made it to the other end. I know this year probably has a whole new set of struggles waiting for me, but seeing how well the past year turned out can give me encouragement to male it through them.

Dusty Accomplishments

I've been completely cleaning out my room the past few days. It has been exciting to rediscover bits and pieces of my life tucked into desk drawers, lying on shelves full of books, and placed up in the corners of my closet. Today I took down all my trophies, ribbons, medals, and plaques. I had some from AWANA, others from track and soccer, and still others from school. All of them were coated with a thick layer of dust and I realized I probably hadn't taken them down since the day I first put them there, shortly after I received them. It made me wonder what I was working toward all those years. Was I really concerned about receiving a plastic trophy that would sit in my closet for ten years and then get thrown away? Why do we do anything? Do we just want to be told "good job" and be recognized? Is that really all we are working towards?
These dusty trophies are proof that this kind of satisfaction cannot last. There must be a greater motivation and purpose to our lives if we ever wish to be happy because all our rewards and accomplishments will be soon forgotten. We cannot live to be recognized or remembered, but we can try to make a real difference in the world even without receiving a "job well done." I think true accomplishment comes from this not from the tops of trophies poking out of a trash bag.

Being Love

"God can show Himself as He really is only to real men. And that means not simply to men who are individually good, but to men who are united together in a body, loving one another, helping one another, showing Him to one another. For that is what God meant humanity to be like; like players in one band, or organs in one body."

- C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

I read this the other day and wondered, is this really what the church looks like? Christ said the world would know His followers by their love. He died on the cross out of love. Paul said all other gifts were useless if he did not have love. And the two greatest commandments are orders to love. So where is this love that the Bible overflows with and what does it look like?

To me, love looks like a coarse, wooden cross weighing down on an already beaten back. Love is the blood dripping from thorns pushed deep into an aching head and nails hammered into hands and feet. Love is the gasping, rattling breath that even in such pain and abandonment forgives its enemies. Love does not look like the silver weighing down a pocket. It is not he kiss that hands a friend over to enemies. Love does not eat the body and drink the blood of one whom it betrays.

So who are we? Are we Christ or Judas? Are we always eager to love our enemies and forgive anyone who may have wronged us or do we hold grudges and talk about people behind their backs? Do we put the needs and interests of others above our own or do we expect everyone else to do what we want? As the church, the Body of Christ, we should be living as He did, "little Christs." In order to see God as He really is, Lewis suggests we should be "showing Him to one another." But I think Christians find it a lot easier to act like Judas, or even Peter, than Christ. We don't love our brothers as we should and often tear them down. Through this, we destroy our unity and our witness. What has happened to the love that the world is supposed to recognize us by? Where is the unity Christ tells us to maintain? And are we prepared to get it back?

A Plan to Live

Pretty soon I will have to register for classes for next year. In preparation for this, I tried to plan out the rest of the classes I need to take to graduate: what classes, when I'd take them. I discovered I could easily graduate in another two years. But this made me wonder, why are we so concerned about planning out our lives? I do need to know what classes I need to take next semester and knowing what I will have to take to graduate is helpful in determining this but I spend so much time analyzing the best way to arrange my classes and the best classes to take. I could probably take classes other than the ones I've chosen and things will still work out just fine.

It seems to me that our plans always fall short anyway and that sometimes it is a good idea to forget the planning and analyzing and just live. I had other plans for college than being in Toccoa, GA but that is where I am and I know it is exactly where I'm supposed to be. This is just one example of how my plans are so insignificant compared to what God has planned for me. Maybe my college experience would be much better if I really just experienced it and let God do the planning. I do not need to spend my time worrying about the future because I cannot possibly know what can happen to change my decisions. So I will register for my courses on March 30 and not worry about them again until next fall. And I can know, whatever happens, it is going to be okay.

Immobilized

Last Thursday, I went snowboarding and took a nasty fall. Ben said he saw it coming and tried to race down to catch me. I had gone too far too fast though and he couldn't reach me in time. As soon as I fell, I knew it was bad. When I finally made it the rest of the way down the run and to the lodge, I could barely sit down. But I didn't want the night to end there so I got back on the lift and we went down the run another time, and it felt great... until I got in the car. 

The whole car ride, I was shifting positions, grinding my teeth, and crying into Ben's shoulder. That night, I couldn't sleep because there was no comfortable way to lay down. The next day, I couldn't sit down normally and pain shot up my spine every time I moved. When I tried to sit down, I noticed Ben there beside me with his arms ready to help me down or catch me if I fell. If I looked into his eyes, I felt like he was hurting more from seeing my pain than I was feeling myself. 

This gave me an idea of what it might be like for God to watch us get hurt. He sees it before we fall and tries reaching out to us but we keep going. We have moved too far away and are headed to fast to stop. So we fall, and it hurts. Often, we question why God didn't stop us but we rarely pause to think that maybe He did all He could. If we are willfully going away from Him, He will let us but it means that when we start to fall, unless we go back to Him, we will get hurt. 

What impacted me the most though was how Ben took care of me after I fell and the hurt he felt as a result. It kills me to think that while I am asking God how He could let this happen, He is looking at me like that - eyes almost filled with tears because of the pain I must endure. He loves us and doesn't want us hurting. After we fall, He will do all He can to get us back to Him again but just like bruises don't vanish instantly, our wounds take time to heal. But the whole time, God is feeling just as much, if not more, pain than we are. 

Breaking Free

... continued from previous two posts

But then he changed his mind. Why would he head back to the castle, back to that prison, when that was the last place he wanted to be? He knew he did not belong there. So he switched direction and headed towards the far hills, into lands unknown and unexplored. 

As he drew closer to the hills, he observed one lonely tower built into the side of the rock. Curiosity took hold of him and he decided to head towards this tower. He dug his heels into the side of his horse and rode faster until, finally, he was at the base of the tower. He looked up and...

----

While she was still staring out the window, she noticed a black speck growing larger and larger as it headed towards her. What could it be and why was it coming to her lonely tower? She looked closer and as it continued moving, she began to make out the shape of a man upon a horse.

She thought she had lost all hope long ago but as her breathing quickened and her heart skipped a beat, she wondered if there was still room in her heart for hope. Maybe it wasn't such a terrible thing. If she had never hoped, she wouldn't have been hurt as she was, but the feeling before the fall was indescribable. So as he reached the base of the tower, hope filled her once more and she looked down and....

---

....he saw her looking down at him. And in that moment, he knew that he was there to free her. So he headed towards the door and hacked away at the thick wood until he finally made a space big enough to get through. 

... she saw him looking up at her and knew she must show him the love she knew she had in her somewhere. So she removed a brick in the wall, reached in, and took out the keys and begin unlocking doors all the way down the tower.

It was slow work, but he kept breaking down the doors as he went up each new set of stairs until they reached the same staircase. He stopped at the bottom and she waited at the top and then slowly, they began moving towards each other. After what could have been a lifetime, they reached the same step. He took her into his arms and carried her to the base of the castle and placed her gently upon his horse. He led the horse away from the tower and back towards his home. 

As they went, they talked and laughed together and each began to find in the other just what they needed. She found love and care and he found love and acceptance. All the past hurts and disappointments were only steps to lead them both here. It would take time for everything to heal completely but for now, they had each other.

Inside the Walls

...continued from the previous post

He sat beneath the tall cypress as the wind sang through the leaves. He was so grateful to finally escape even though he knew he would not be able to stay away for long. The castle walls could be so confining. Inside, all the pleasures of the world were at his fingertips, yet he was not happy there. He longed for love and joy yet he could never find it. All those walls contained were disappointment and regret. Regret for the life he might have lived if he had taken his chance and disappointment that the chance would not be given to him again.

It might seem that anyone would like to live as he did with all the luxuries and excitement he had. But as the years passed the same, the fine things lost their newness and the events stopped pleasing him. More than anything, he wanted something worth living for, but nothing came.

He had given up on the hope of anything different years ago. He was a prince and this was his life - find a princess, make her your queen, take your place on the throne, and raise up a son to do the same. But he was so tired of all the princesses. All the same - all boring and ignorant. This was not what he wanted from life, but it was all he could get. 

The wind continued to sway the cypress above him as he thought on these things. The tree's shadow grew longer as the sun got closer to the horizon. Reluctantly, he got up and began to head for home.

to be continued...

Her Own Prisoner

She rested her head on her hands as she looked out upon the green valley below her. She would never walk through those trees or run down those grassy hills. She could only stare at them from the confines of her tower room. It may seem easy to determine where this story is going, but unlike other tales of the same beginning, here there is no dragon guarding the castle, no witch or curse upon this princess. No, she was not forced to live this life. She chose to walk up these steps to the highest room in the tallest tower. She chose to lock all the doors behind her. She voluntarily gave up all the possible pleasures of that green valley below her because she believed its pains to be too great. Too much hurt and sadness there. So up she climbed to the top of this tower where she taught herself not to feel. 

At first, she entertained a vain fancy that someone would miss her and come to her rescue but she no longer hoped for rescue. She did not need it or even want it. She was happy here in her tower without anyone to wound her heart. Some days, however, as she heard the birds singing or felt a soft breeze hit her cheek, she remembered something better - an vague idea that maybe the world she left behind wasn't all pain. At those times, she tried quickly to relive the events that had caused her to leave and she pushed any ideas of true happiness to the back of her mind. This was the best she could do now.

So she sat in this tower, absent of pain but also of pleasure, and imagined this life was as good as it could be and she wanted nothing more. She eventually came to believe this lie and gave up all thoughts of anything better.

The One Forgotten

They walk past your door without stopping to see if you're hungry. They ask if you want to go somewhere then neglect to wait for you. They tell you their plans but leave you out of them. They give no reason, no answer for their behavior towards you. They stop pretending to care when you are left out. So you are left there, wondering: why are you forgotten? Or is it more than just forgetfulness? Maybe they have stopped enjoying your company or think you are an embarrassment. Whatever the reason, you are left alone.

This has happened before. In fact, you have quite a history of being forgotten. People include you for a while, use you for what they need, then leave. And there you are once more - in that place no one wants to be. And as you throw yourself on your bed and sob into your pillow yet again, you wonder why? Why are you so easily forgotten? Why don't people care? And why is inclusion so important to you?

It is at this time you remember the one you have forgotten. One who has always loved you and desired to be with you yet whom you have rejected and left out of so many areas of your life. One who calls out your name every moment but you usually choose to ignore this cry. Despite all you've done to him, you know he will still be there for you now. So, in desperation, you reach out to the forgotten one who has promised not to forget you. And as you do so, he reaches down to you and picks you up into his loving arms. He whispers, "I love you more than you can know and I will never forget you, my child."

There's no Comfort in the Waiting Here

Today, when we were in line for lunch, Ben asked, "What are we waiting for?" He was asking what food (or substance we like to think is food) was in the line in front of us. He went ahead to check but I stayed in line and thought about how often I just stand there out of habit. I check occasionally to see what is on the day's menu, but so often I stay in line, get to the front, see the food, and then decide I want pizza. It's a slight waste of time but I usually don't mind since I get to wait with my friends. Today, however, I wondered I thought about how we wait out of habit in other areas of life as well. 

My life has been a series of waiting periods. Waiting to start school, then to get into the upper grades, then middle school, then high school. In high school I thought I was almost done waiting. In college, it would all get better. Now here I am, and I'm still waiting. Waiting to graduate, to get married, start a family, have a career, whatever. I've realized the waiting doesn't ever stop. So maybe it's time we asked ourselves, "What are we waiting for?" Are we standing in a line waiting for Aramark "food" just because everyone else is or because that's what we've been told? If we aren't careful, we will be in that same line our whole lives. It's time we stopped and really examined what the line is for. It is the line of those who have forgotten why we are here, those who have been so caught up in the routine, they've lost sight of the eternal. Do we want to be just another number in the line? Another defeated, burnt out, conquered Christian? Is that the life Jesus called us to? 

True Christianity demands us to step out of line, to stop waiting. How can we run the race with endurance if we aren't running? What's the use of carrying our cross if we have nowhere to carry it to? So, what are we waiting for, an incomplete life that does not follow God's commands? If that is the case, then why are we waiting? James 1:2 says "Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says." Let's be doers instead of just another number in the line of the defeated. 

Without Sunlight

A couple days ago, I was reading Romans 8 and listening to music at the same time. I don't usually listen to music when I read the Bible but for some reason, I felt like doing so. As I was reading and listening, a lyric in the song stuck out at me: "for now, I'll wait for the sun to shine again. For now, I'll wait for the rain to pass away." I've thought that many times before and I've tried to use that knowledge to get me through difficult times. But I liked the way this was phrased so I wrote it down then went back to reading Romans 8. 

As I was reading, a certain verse impacted me. I've known Romans 8:38-39 about how nothing can separate us from God's love for awhile. I'm sure I had to memorize it for awana more than once. But I've never given the context of this verse the significance it deserves. So this time, I noticed and really thought about Romans 8:35-37:

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:

'For your sake we face death all day long: we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.'

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us."

All the things in that list are things we can let get in the way of our relationship with God. God's love goes beyond all those things. His love reaches us no matter what. But I don't think that is the point these verses are making. They say we are the conquerors and that we face death for his sake. Despite all we face, we can't let anything separate us from Christ's love. I think that is where we've missed the point - we have a responsibility too. 

Now, back to the song. I thought it was a good lyric at first, but these verses changed my opinion. A relationship goes both ways and our relationship with Christ is no different. I think it's not so much about waiting for the sun to shine again. It's about keeping your eyes on the sun even when the skies are cloudy. We must stay focused on Christ even when we face hardships because nothing should separate us from his loved. We are not called to wait until he rescues us from trouble to follow Him. We are called to follow through the good and the bad, to focus on Him even when life is hard, to feel the sun even when it's raining.

Burn Away

And the news reports on the radio

Said it was getting worse,

As the ocean air fanned the flames.

But I couldn't think 

Of anywhere I would've rather been

To watch it all burn away.

- Grapevine Fires, Death Cab for Cutie

I thought I'd escaped fires when I left Southern California. Apparently I was wrong. I escaped the huge forest/brush fires that engulfed hills, valleys and houses, spurred on by the Santa Annas. But I didn't escape the building-burning fires. I just got back from looking at the remains of Gate Cottage, home of Toccoa's counseling department and entrance to the falls. I watched the all too familiar smoke billowing into the sky and heard the crackling of the fire still burning steadily in the basement. I watched flames flare out at the base of the building and some run up the side. It is still hard to believe. I don't really know what to make of it but I know God has a plan. Something great is going to happen. Maybe it wasn't about the building catching on fire but about us, the students and staff, regaining that fire for Him. It may take years for some of God's purposes to become clear, but for now we will just have to trust.

Well, the Weather Outside is Frightful...

I get cold so easily and I absolutely love it. Cold weather is just so much fun. I love being able to bundle up and go outside. I love watching my breath hit the cold air and seeing the flush on my cheeks after I have been walking outside. And most of all, I love walking inside from the cold, into a heated room where I can curl up with a good book, a blanket, and a cup of coffee and just enjoy life. So often I focus on the things I don't like about cold weather. I don't like how my fingers get white and icy or how my nose runs and my ears start hurting.  But those are just natural effects of the cold and I couldn't enjoy it if I didn't endure these small inconveniences. When I'm not having a coffee or icy breath moment, I forget the better aspects of cold weather and focus mainly on my discomfort.

I think so often I view life in the same way. Right now, I am having a lot of good book and blanket experiences. I love the way my life is going and cannot find a reason to complain. But I know times will come when things are not so pleasant - when my fingers will freeze and my nose will run. Those are the moments when I lose sight of the big picture. I forget that God is in control and has a wonderful and complete plan for my life. So now, I must treasure the happiness and contentment I feel and save the memory of this for a sore-ears cold day. Then I can remind myself of all the good things in life - the visible breath and flushed cheeks, the coffee, blankets and good books - and know that the struggle is worth it.