Honesty

I've been posting things about the lack of community here on campus, about how I need to be doing more for God, and about my tears, but I've been sidestepping the real issue. It's not about the people who hurt me or my outward expression of faith, this is about me - at my core. It is intensely personal and finally honest. I am not the same girl who came here the beginning of last year, hopeful for the opportunities college would give and excited about new friends and experiences. I am often negative and cynical. I'm disillusioned. The curtain has been pulled back and I don't like what I see.

But this school is only part of the problem. Another curtain must be pulled and that is the one that lies over my soul. And when I pull that one back, I like what I see even less. No one likes to point the finger at herself, but that is what I must do. I search my soul for something but I mainly find death and decay where there was once such a vibrant, living garden of hope and passion. I find judgment where there was once encouragement, bitterness where there was compassion. I could blame it on the school or on 'Christians' who have hurt me, but the responsibility and the blame really lies with me. I am the only one who can control my response, and I have not been responding as Christ would.

So how do I get that beautiful garden back? Well, I'm not exactly sure, but I think it starts with letting go of the bitterness. That may take awhile, but it starts now. Paul talks about having joy in all situations. I think this has led to a complacency among Christians. Having joy in all situations does not mean we cannot try to make things better or get out of a bad situation. Since mandatory chapels are destroying my relationship with God and making me bitter towards Christianity, I might not be able to go to chapel for awhile. I'm not doing this as a protest to authority, but because God is my ultimate authority.

Recent events have forced me to question whether it is more important for me to graduate college or follow God wholeheartedly. I have decided to go with the second. I always assumed it was God's will for me to finish school but why do I get to decide what God's will for me is? I think my best option now is to continue to pursue him more and his plans will follow. If I am committed completely to him, I will be in his will. So I don't really know where that leaves me. Right now, I am planning on coming back next year, but I guess I have to be prepared not to. That is slightly terrifying, but I think I'm okay with that.

No Communion

We had our biannual "communion chapel" yesterday. I'd meant to bring my own tortillas but didn't realize we were having communion since it was supposed to be on the snow day. There was no way I was eating one of those stupid styrofoam crackers. We are supposed to take Jesus' body gladly, with rejoicing and those wafer things are only depressing in so many ways.

But the styrofoam they try to feed us isn't the most disturbing part, it is the type of action which is encouraged - personal reflection. Now, I have nothing against personal reflection. It is an integral part of our growth with God. Additionally, I believe it is Biblically sound to make sure you are in a right relationship with God before taking communion. But it is not Biblical to have personal reflection during communion. Communion in the Bible is always a group event. Why would they need a group if it was meant to be individual? At the Last Supper, did Jesus pass the bread and the cup and tell the disciples to sit in silence and reflect personally for five minutes? Somehow, it doesn't seem likely. So why do we do it?

In hermeneutics, we are learning to do word studies. This makes me wonder why no one has bothered to study the word communion. The word may not actually appear in the Bible, but it is still a word we should examine to see through its etymology what the early church thought communion was. According to the dictionary application on my computer, communion is "the sharing or exchanging of intimate thoughts and feelings." It comes from the roots from which we get our words "common" and "union." Is any of this sounding individual?

So yes, the styrofoam did upset me, but this was much worse. We aren't enjoying the full benefits of communion as it is meant to be shared. By focusing on Christ's death and what he did for us, it seems we have lost sight of the resurrection and what we can do for him. Instead of joyously sharing communion, we are reflectively taking it. It just isn't right.

Now I hoped that maybe this emphasis on the individual over community only extended as far as communion chapel, but today I was reminded how ill-founded that hope was.

I don't want to get into the details of that but it really made me think about what a community is. If we, on this campus, are to be a community, we must confront each other with our problems in love rather than tattling or talking behind each others backs, we must not be quick to judge but encourage and help each other with humility, we must love. I definitely do not embody all these principles all the time (only Jesus could) but I like to think I at least try. After reading the community covenant at one of the early chapels last year, I thought this school would try as well. From what I've seen, it hasn't. And I've been left with a one-sided covenant. What good is that?

So it would seem I'm no longer obligated to hold up my end of the bargain. But I'm still going to try to be a member of that community we claim to strive for. Not because the school says I should, I'm not following a broken contract, but because God does. I can only hope he will be able to use me and my example might encourage others to do the same.

I'm Such a Lie

I just tried writing something else then deleted the whole thing. I didn't like it. I tried to think of something to write about and ended up just writing something that sounded good. But I don't want to write just to sound good. I want my writing to be meaningful, even if it's just to me. It should be a reflection of who I am and a form of worship to God. I believe, no matter how good it sounds, writing without feeling cannot be worship. It does not bring God feel good. He doesn't want us to write to "sound good." He wants us to do things for and in his name. This means we are less concerned by how our actions look in the world's eyes and more focused on how they honor God. For me, this means I write from the heart.

So here it is: my heart. My heart isn't perfect. I cannot just sit down and write beautiful words when I want to. I cannot make them sound good on my own. Without God they are meaningless and empty. Sometimes I wonder if writing these words is worship at all or if it is just a way for me to vent. I'm reminded of the song Estrella by BraveSaintSaturn: "I write clever words on paper. Sometimes I think I don't believe at all. I've never felt so fake, so false, I'm such a lie. I couldn't even look him in the eyes."

In a lot of ways this describes my life. I write and wonder what it does. What do I do? What have I done? I like to think I've suffered for Christ but I've really always lived quite comfortably. The closest thing to suffering in my life is going to a place without In n Out or Jamba Juice. When compared to the lives of so many others, I am a lie. My faith seems empty and untested. What am I doing with it? Anything?

I said this post was going to be a reflection of my heart, so I have to leave this question unanswered. Maybe a few years down the road, I will see what God was using me for now, maybe I never will, or maybe I'm not allowing myself to be used. If it is the last of these, I have some things to work out, but answering this question is going to take a lot more time and space than just one blog post. So I will have to leave you hanging. But I encourage to ask the same question constantly: What is my faith accomplishing and what has it accomplished? You may be surprised by the answer even if it takes awhile to hear.