I'm Such a Lie

I just tried writing something else then deleted the whole thing. I didn't like it. I tried to think of something to write about and ended up just writing something that sounded good. But I don't want to write just to sound good. I want my writing to be meaningful, even if it's just to me. It should be a reflection of who I am and a form of worship to God. I believe, no matter how good it sounds, writing without feeling cannot be worship. It does not bring God feel good. He doesn't want us to write to "sound good." He wants us to do things for and in his name. This means we are less concerned by how our actions look in the world's eyes and more focused on how they honor God. For me, this means I write from the heart.

So here it is: my heart. My heart isn't perfect. I cannot just sit down and write beautiful words when I want to. I cannot make them sound good on my own. Without God they are meaningless and empty. Sometimes I wonder if writing these words is worship at all or if it is just a way for me to vent. I'm reminded of the song Estrella by BraveSaintSaturn: "I write clever words on paper. Sometimes I think I don't believe at all. I've never felt so fake, so false, I'm such a lie. I couldn't even look him in the eyes."

In a lot of ways this describes my life. I write and wonder what it does. What do I do? What have I done? I like to think I've suffered for Christ but I've really always lived quite comfortably. The closest thing to suffering in my life is going to a place without In n Out or Jamba Juice. When compared to the lives of so many others, I am a lie. My faith seems empty and untested. What am I doing with it? Anything?

I said this post was going to be a reflection of my heart, so I have to leave this question unanswered. Maybe a few years down the road, I will see what God was using me for now, maybe I never will, or maybe I'm not allowing myself to be used. If it is the last of these, I have some things to work out, but answering this question is going to take a lot more time and space than just one blog post. So I will have to leave you hanging. But I encourage to ask the same question constantly: What is my faith accomplishing and what has it accomplished? You may be surprised by the answer even if it takes awhile to hear.