Glorious

So I'm sitting in my hotel room staring out at Lake Louise right now. It's cloudy today and so foggy I can't even see the glacier. Raindrops are splashing onto the ground four stories below me and the water is full of waves and has no sun to make it sparkle. Even in these seemingly dismal conditions, it is one of the most breathtaking sights I've ever seen. And when the sun comes out... wow. There are no words to describe the splendor.

It is sights like these that make me think of my own beauty. I'm staring out at a glorious example of God's creation. Lovelier than I could ever imagine. Too beautiful to believe without seeing for myself. And the world is full of places like these. Just as stunning and majestic. Think Hawaiian sunsets, rolling green hills and blue skies, snow-covered peaks or orange and red trees of a Vermont autumn. What we see as some of the most beautiful things in all creation. God made all this and decided it wasn't enough. Something was missing. The most important part. And that, my dear friends is where we come in. More beautiful than all of this. And more meaningful to God than these glaciers, mountains and lakes. Next time you're unhappy about your appearance just think about that. Think of the most gorgeous thing in all of creation and know you are even more glorious. Now I must leave to marvel at the beauty of the glacier-topped mountains and aquamarine lakes of the Canadian Rockies. 

Take a Hike

I don't think I can put into words the beauty I saw today. Beauty that made 7 1/2 miles of switchbacks, uphill climbs and rocky trails worth the effort. It started out as a fairly ordinary hike up the mountain next to Lake Louise but what it turned into was incredible. 

We hiked up to the first lake. A good mile and a half uphill. Beautiful blue green water surrounded by mountains. At this point I needed every bit of resolve to continue on to the tea house. We made it and the view was breathtaking, but it was also very crowded. So we continued around the second aquamarine, glacier-fed lake to find a place to eat our lunch in peace. This is where the journey began. 

After lunch we had two options: go back the way we came or hike up the side of the mountain to the top and come down the other side and walk back next to Lake Louise. Now who wants to do the same thing twice? That's right - the smart people who like traveling downhill. I, unfortunately am not one of them. So up we go. And up. And up some more. And just a bit more until... ahhh. The most amazing view you can ever imagine. To my left pine-covered mountains sprawling on forever. To my right a birds-eye view of a milky green blue glassy lake, behind me the enormous white and dazzling glacier that feeds that lake. It was breathtaking.

Too bad we had to walk all the way back down. More switchbacks, rocks and mud. the trail finally brought us along the stream of water and silt flowing down from the glacier. We stopped to dip our hands in to the icy water and walked back around the lake, up to our hotel room and collapsed onto the beds. It was worth all the work, but I am going to be so sore tomorrow.

What I Want to Hear

Sometimes I feel so normal, so average, so unnecessary. People tell me they love me but couldn't they love someone else just as easily? I want to know that they love me because I'm me, not because they're supposed to love everyone. Maybe it's a bit selfish of me to want such exclusive love, but I want it anyway. It's one thing to say I love you but those words can have so many meanings. It can be I love you because Christ loves you or I have to love you or it can be I love you because I choose to, because you matter to me and are special to me and no one else in the world could replace you in my life. That's the kind of love I want people to have for me. I want to be irreplaceable and special.
This morning I was thinking of what I most wanted someone to say to me and it reflected this kind of love. I want someone to tell me that they share something special with me, a different kind of love. I want to hear that I'm unique and vital in someone's life. A simple "I love you" will not suffice. I want to hear the love in the way they say those words. I want to know by the tone of voice not only do they love me but their life wouldn't be the same without me and they need me.
I wondered why, of all things, this is what I wanted to hear more than anything else. I think it has a lot to do with the ways I've been able to use my talents in the past. I'm pretty good at a lot of things but not the best at anything. I play the flute but I'm not amazing at it. I write but I'm no novelist. I bake but I'm not a professional pastry chef. I sew but I can't put together a ball gown. I'm intelligent but I'm not a valedictorian. Because of this I've felt important (I do have a role to play) but not necessary (I wouldn't really be missed). This is why I want to know that I'm needed. That I'm the only one who could possibly fill that role.
I've read that I'm irreplaceable and important. People have said it. I know this in my mind. But I'm still waiting on the day when someone tells me this and it finally reaches my heart. Because until I believe this in my heart, I can't hope to live like it is true.

Memory Lane

Ocassionally I get the compelling desire to look back over my old prayer journals. This morning I did just that. I don't think "prayer journal" truly captures what these notebooks are. They are kind of like every intimate and wonderful moment I've shared with God put on paper. I have cutouts from magazines, photos, poems, songs, quotes, verses and a whole bunch of prayers recorded in these notebooks. I didn't read through everything because that would take me about a week of just reading. But what I did read amazed me.
It is so rewarding to look back over where you've been and see the amazing ways God has changed your life. These journals transported me to eighth grade when my sister was in the hospital and I didn't understand why. But now I can look back and see the positive impact that has had on our relationship and in my life. If it weren't for her collapsed lung over four years ago, I don't thnik I'd be going to Mexico in a week.
I journeyed to Freshman year - one of my most difficult times. All the people in band calling me anorexic and telling me to eat more had such a terrible affect on me. I was angry and sad and didn't know what to do. But if it hadn't been for what those people said I probably wouldn't have decided to find other friends and form such great relationships with people from church. I most likely would have stayed in band and not done yearbook which has been one of my favorite activities in high school. The most amazing thing is seeing how much my relationship with God grew through the hard time and realizing how in love with Him I was after he got me through that.
There are so many other things I could mention and I probably haven't even realized half of them yet. I know God will still use those past experiences to help me carry out His plan in the future. And I have to take a moment to just sit in amazement and love at God's feet. I've heard it said so many times before that God has a plan for me and He can use any situation for good but it is so much clearer when I can see how he has done that in my life. Given what God has done through my past, I can have faith that he is using whatever I'm going through right now to improve my future. How can I look back on where I was and not believe that? God is great.
So if you ever walk into my room and see me sitting on the floor crying with a bunch of used notebooks and old papers lying around me, there is no cause for concern. I'm just reviewing my walk with God and basking in His awesomeness.

The Love of my Life

Love seemed to radiate from his whole body. Nothing else. Just pure, true love. She couldn’t help but cry. After all she’d said, all she’d done, all the hurt she’d caused him, how could he possibly still love her? His love hurt her more than anything else he could have done. Why did he keep on loving her no matter what she did to him?
She looked up into his eyes and saw love deeper than she’d ever known. A smile formed on his face as he spread his arms wide. She fell to the ground, sobbing, so sorry. How could he still love her? He sprinted towards her, arms open wide, and scooped her up off of the ground into a warm embrace. She was home again. At home in the arms of her dear Savior.

May I compliment you?

I realized the other day that I have serious problems giving and receiving compliments. I think this may mean I don't give (or get) enough of them because one usually improves at something with practice. In my experience compliments just tend to put an end to the conversation. Consider the following scenario. Two people are talking. One tells the other how nice she is. The one receiving the compliment says thank you. And then what? Where do you go from there? Exactly. The flow of the conversation is gone and you have to come up with a completely new topic in order to finish the conversation.
Now I, being the amazing person that I am, developed a strategy to prevent this after compliment awkwardness. Sarcasm. It is probably the worst strategy I ever could have come up with. Whatever the compliment was or who gave it, sarcasm can easily reverse the meaning. And that is not at all what I want to do. It's just all I know how to do. So I tell people they're beautiful and follow it up with "compared to what they used to look like," or someone tells me I have a wonderful smile and I have to say "too bad no one ever sees it" or something like that. So if someone tries to give me a compliment it is the easiest thing for me to put myself down. Clearly something isn't right. Compliments are meant to make you fee better not worse, and they can stand alone. Who cares if they kill the conversation? I'm sure I can figure out something else to talk about and I'll keep the joy of giving or receiving a compliment without having to kill the mood. So with that said, may I compliment you?

An Amazing Week of Amazing Love

So I'm back from an incredible week at camp. I learned so much about God and life this week. Trying to put words to what I felt this week is nearly impossible but I had to try to explain it. Last night while we were worshipping I felt something special. And I tried to share the impact this feeling in the context of the whole week with a friend. This is the best I could do:
It's like Jesus has been singing me this love song over and over again and I've finally learned just a little part like the verse or the chorus or something and I'm so excited I learned it that I can't stop singing it back to Him. I just can't contain inside of me the love I feel. And I'm so excited about that that my heart just won't stop singing.
I don't know if that makes any sense to you but I'm hoping you can understand it just a little bit. After all, Jesus is singing you a love song too.